Post Week # 2: Anhelo
Ch. 2 Octavio Paz Discussion 


       This week our word to research and create work from was "Anhelo." I really had a hard time figuring out and deciding what the correct meaning of Anhelo was since there was alot of information that came up when I did an online search. I decided that for me the best meaning for the word Anhelo was, to long or desire. I thought," what do I long or desire most at this time?!" The answer to this question came very easily and helped me in creating the piece that you all viewed in class. So what is it that I long for or desire? What I long and desire for is to find my place and allow others to see who I am here at UC Berkeley. Ever since I moved to Berkeley earlier in January I have felt like an outsider as if I do not belong or fit in. I allow others to see and feel my presence and most are unaware of my disconnect, or that I only allow them to see what I think they expect to see. While reading chapter 2 of Octavio Paz I really understood what he refers to when he entitles the chapter, "Mexican Masks." It made me feel as if I were wearing a sort of mask, using it to hide from myself and others so that they could not see my vulnerabilities, differences or weaknesses. I related to Paz when he writes, "he builds a wall of indifference and remoteness between reality and himself." I am who and what I am and know what I am about, but wear that "mask" in front of others due to fears of not being well received or liked by my fellow peers and classmates. I came from a place where I did not wear a mask and everyone accepted me and my differences with out judgement or ridicule. I wear that mask to avoid finding out what they would really see or think if they knew the real me. Its funny how Paz describes that opening up, confiding if others or showing emotion lessens our "manliness" and sometimes I feel this can be somewhat true. If we open up we risk being judged, discarded, unloved or unliked or seen as a weak, but if we continue to wear that mask we may never really learn to know who we really are, regardless of how much we think we know of ourselves. Sometimes it takes the views and opinions of others to realize certain things about ourselves that maybe we are not in tune with or aware of. The word Anhelo reminded me of what I long for and desire, I  long and desire to fit in, to be well liked, loved and not judged for being me.To have a name and a face here at UC Berkeley. 
         I painted and image on cardboard that was influenced by a photograph of the lower level of the Kroeber hall spiral staircase from below looking upwards. The spiral had significance for me because it reminded me of the long and spiraled road I went through to find my self here. The black, what some in class called "eyelashes" are a symbol of the hurdles or roadblocks I had to overcome so that I could be here at Berkeley. Now that I am finally here I still hide behind my mask feeling loss and lost, thinking I know who I am but not really sure I really know anymore. Now longing to find myself and my place at this new University and town I now call home. I continue to see myself and allow others to see me as my piece, a name less, faceless person who is lost and hiding behind that "mask" that I make for myself. Until I learn to open up and remove that mask I fear to let go of is when I will be whole again, with a place, a name and a face.